You see them in the stores, those over priced pieces of shit that call themselves Pumpkin Rolls. Don't buy 'em. Mine's better. I and I can prove it. Follow me.
Playlist: Dustin Lynch, of course.
What to buy!
2/3 cup Canned Pumpkin Puree. (I'm listing out enough to make one roll, but you're gonna be left with half a can, so go ahead and make two, that way you can have one roll to share, and one to stuff your face with)
Lil' bit powdered sugar (for dusting)
3/4 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 eggs (large)
1 cup sugar
Filling
1-8oz package cream cheese, room temp
1/4 cup butter, room temp (half a stick)
1 cup powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
Got my shit bought. . . now what?
Crank oven to 375
Right into the KitchenAid mixer I keep telling you to buy, beat your eggs & sugar on medium until well mixed, will look a little gritty. It's okay. You didn't fuck it up yet.
Now put in half the can of pumpkin puree. Mix 'er up good.
Sift together (save a bowl, do it right over top of your sugary egg shit, this ain't one of those blogs with 37 bowls dirtied up) your flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves & salt. Gawd, I hope you're smart enough to turn the mixer off for this.
Now, spread that shit into a big ol' jelly roll pan, save yourself some heartache & dishes later, use a giant piece of parchment paper. Makes it easier to roll later, too!
*If you're using this with regular ol' flour, this shit pours right out like this, and everything's hunky dory. If you're trying to prevent your gluten-avoiding-friend an unscheduled colon cleansing, you can use coconut flour, but 'pouring it out' is comical. It comes out like a dried dog turd. You'll have to use a spatula to spread it, and you think it's ruined, but not yet. That's when you let it tumbled out of the fridge onto the floor, while you sit in that filth crying because it turned out like everything else in your life: Awful. But that ain't my fault. Get your shit together. Anyways. . .*
Bake at 375 for about 12-15min, or until the center is fairly poofy. Toothpick that shit to see if it comes out clean, then you're good. Pull it out, let it cool about 10min.
If you're smart, and used parchment paper, you can go ahead & roll that bitch up. If you're a fucking idiot that doesn't listen, now you have to put a shit ton of powdered sugar on a dish towel and roll that shit up. Bet you wish you'd have listened. . .
Remember, some women like them thick but short, some women like them long and skinny. . . roll it however you want. They still get the same amount in their mouth when it's all said & done. Once it's rolled, let it cool about another 10min, then throw it in the fridge for at least an hour.
How's your pullout game? Try it on that cream cheese yet? Pull it out of the GD fridge, idiot.
Now that you've decided if you like 'em thicc or thin, now's time to fill them with your creamy goodness.
With whisk attachment, or egg beaters because you don't listen, mix your room temp cream cheese, butter, 1cup powdered sugar & vanilla. Crank up the speed, get it good & creamy.
Carefully unroll your cooled punkin' rolls. They may break/split. It's fine. Just points out you're a pathetic loser, and your dad was right about you after all.
Spread your cream on her, edge to edge, and gently re-roll. Don't mash it down, you don't want your cream to ooze out after all.
Roll that baby right onto a dish, sprinkle with a little more powdered sugar and POUND IT.
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