I used to think my Carrot/Cheesecake was the best, but I fucked it up once (too much salt, I think) and wanted to do better. This little ditty beats it, and it has carrots, so it's practically salad
Playlist: Shaggy, Mr. Boombastic/It wasn't me. Kenny Loggins, Footloose/Highway to the Danger Zone
Ingredients
1 cup packed light or dark brown sugar
3/4 cup butter (1 1/2 sticks), room temp or nearly melted
1/4 cup Greek yogurt
3 large eggs, right out of your backyard (what?! You don’t raise chickens?!)
2 teaspoons pure vanilla
2 cups all-porpoise flour (That’s right. Whales)or cake flour if you're feeling fancy
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt (if you seriously have to measure salt and don’t just eyeball that shit, go away)
2 cups grated carrots
1 cup pecan pieces (or whole, just chop them up, you lazy bum)
Frosting
1 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened (three sticks)
1 1/2 package (12 oz total) cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 Tbsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup heavy cream
6 cups powdered sugar
1 cup chopped pecans to garnish the edges (what, not into edging?)
How to git ‘er dun
Oven to 350°
Spray down 9 or 10 inch springform pan with nonstick cooking spray (it’s Pam, but we’re all too cheap to buy the name-brand stuff, so you get the generic. It’s cool). Make sure you have a deep enough pan, this baby gonna cook up a bit. Put that bitch aside, you don’t need it yet.
Don’t forget to pull the cream cheese & butter from the fridge for your frosting later, ‘cause you’re gonna forget. No, no. Stop. You’re just pulling it out. Leave it, set it down. . . walk away.
Cake time: In a big bowl with a handheld egg beater because your cheap ass won’t buy a KitchenAid (no, don’t go cheap here, buy one) with a paddle attachment (get the rubber-edge one, it’s worth it) on medium, combine the brown sugar and butta. Beat it like no one’s watching. Beat in the yogurt until fully combined – about 30 seconds. Gonna be gritty & thick, like my humor. Add the eggs, one at a time, because you can’t do any more than that, dumbass. Have the mixer on while you do it (bet you wish you had that KitchenAid right about now, huh?) Now the vanilla. Done here for now.
In a separate bowl, sift in your flour, cinnamon, baking soda, salt & nutmeg. On low, mix the shit you just sifted together into into the stuff you’ve already done, but just until combined and all flour seems to be gone... do not overwork! Fold in the finely shredded carrots and pecan pieces, I usually do this by hand.
Dump that shit into the pan(s) you forgot to get ready from earlier.
Bake cake for 30-40 minutes (just start babysitting that bad boy after 30min, I got busy doing Christmas lights one time and ruined it. Don’t do that) or until toothpick the middle comes out clean. Do not overbake, better under than over I say.
Let it cool in the pan until you can manage it without using the Dead Hand, then carefully get it out of the pan, and let finish cooling on a rack (not your wife’s rack. . . mine gets mad, claims it hurts). Make sure it’s completely cool before attempting to frost, otherwise it’s gonna liquify your frosting and you’re fucked.
“Frost me” (name the movie!): Hope you cleaned your KitchenAid bowl. Remember that cream cheese you forgot to set out because you don’t listen? Gonna need that, and the room temp butter (wayment. . . you leave your butter in the fridge? Why?) If you need to warm your butter because you erroneously keep it in the fridge, nuke it for 5sec, flip over, 5sec, flip over, 5sec, on side. Should be good. Beat them together using the attachment of your choice as long as it’s whisk one. ‘Bout a minute. Spatula scrape the bowl a couple times, get that shit mixed in good.
Slooooowly add 2 cups of Powdered sugar (otherwise that shit is going EVERYWHERE). Sometimes I turn it off and slowly add/bump up the speed. oNCE ALL YOUR. . . OOPS. That was only half your sugar, AssHat. Put the rest in there. Once all your sugar is blended in, throw in your heavy cream & vanilla and beat on as high a speed as you can manage without sending the frosting to the ceiling. Whip it, whip it good. Might have to throw some more powdered sugar at it to get the consistency you like. Might have to double this to make the pretty-double-layer pictured here. . . but I can't remember. Good luck. (I checked this a few months later, make it as listed, trust me)
I like to save some pecans for the top to make it pretty.
Fridge it. You done. Don’t look at the nutrition. Don’t. . . . .
Look at all that D. . .
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